Standing on a precipice

With everything that happened last week, I’ve been left hanging out on a precipice. It really does feel like I was sitting on a rock that got unexpectedly pushed down a hill. It rolled hard for a bit and has now settled on yet another cliff. The question is will I get to stay here and adjust or is there another gust coming to push me towards the next drop?

Sorry if that sounds dramatic, but I’m a visual person and it’s always easiest for me to explain my feelings through imagery.

Basically, the surgery to remove my cyst got a 2nd surgery thrown into the mix when they discovered a mass in my bladder during a pre-op ultrasound. I went to my appointment with the urologist 2 days before my surgery, and honestly, I was a little annoyed. I’d already missed huge chunks of my spring break with the family because of medical appointments. Now to have another one just felt ridiculous, it was probably nothing.

Then I stepped into his office where his first words after introducing himself were “we have a problem”. He was a nice doctor, though his English was not very strong. There was no mincing of words. He thought the mass in my bladder was a tumor and bladder tumors are usually cancerous. It needed to be removed immediately and we would see what the pathology report said.

Baboom!

It felt like crashing into a glass wall. I’d just been living my life, moving forward as usual when suddenly I was stopped by this invisible force of reality.

I think we all know the possibilities of cancer in our future. We live in an age of toxins, pollution, and radiation. Not to mention all the genetic predispositions that we might have lurking under the surface. The idea that I might one day be diagnosed with cancer was not out of my realm of thought. The idea that it might be sometime this week was not.

The surgeries were successful, the cyst was removed along with my right ovary which had been consumed by the cyst. Everything else was fine there and the doctor has diagnosed me with having polycystic ovarian syndrome and will be putting me on medication soon to help reduce the chances for more cysts forming in the future. The bladder surgery involved removing some of my bladder along with the tumor and installing a stent (basically a small tube) between my right kidney and my bladder to keep the connection open while my bladder heals. I will have to have the stent removed in a few weeks time.

I was connected to a catheter for 2 days in the hospital while they flushed my bladder with medicines, but by Friday morning all the tubes were gone and I was allowed to go home. I’ve been resting and sleeping and generally feeling better every day with less and less pain.

So now it’s just a waiting game. I joked with Ryan last night that I feel like a teenager waiting by the phone for my boyfriend to call. He looked at me like I was crazy and said, “You have a really sucky boyfriend.”

They said 7-10 days for the results. And every time my phone buzzes or pops up with a new notification I can feel my heart in my throat. Will this be the moment when I finally know?

Yesterday was especially hard because my report from the cyst surgery came back (everything was fine) and that left me wondering if I would receive the urology report too. But it didn’t come. I’m a planner, a worrier, the type of person who likes to be as prepared as possible for every eventuality. Which means of course that my brain is pulling me down dark and tragic corridors of thought. My google browsing history if full of statistics and medical jargon.

So I woke up this morning and decided I had to clear my head, did my morning meditation, wrote down some thoughts, had a cup of tea and decided to get some catharsis by writing this post.

I am so grateful for the huge outpouring of love and support I received after posting about the surgery. Thank you to everyone who sent me a kind message, you made me cry and truly helped me feel uplifted. I am grateful for the beautiful bouquet of flowers sent by my school. The whole house smells like lilacs, which makes every moment a little sweeter.

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And I am trying my best to remember that whatever they say when that call finally comes, everything will be ok. Thank you for reading and supporting me.

Today I’m still standing on the precipice, but the sunshine on my face feels good.

One thought on “Standing on a precipice

  1. There is no shame in being afraid. By admitting your fears and continuing to fight back is the true act of courage. You are one very courageous young lady. Enjoy the sunshine and let dispel the darkness. Remember how many love and are thinking of you. You have the best immediate support system, Ryan and your children. So here is a piece of unsolicited advice from one who has known real fear, ‘’ It is not cowardly to fear, it is only cowardly when you quit fighting and allow fear to rule.’’ Love Papie

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